Beware the Peri-Menopausal Momma

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To whom it may concern,

I’m writing to inform you that your wife is being held for ransom for the next 4+ years. In her place, I’ve provided an over-tired, anxious, ever-irritable evil clone.

For the sake of your life and sanity, we recommend the following pre-cautions and guidelines as you navigate through these tumultuous times.

TREAD LIGHTLY.

This clone will say everything your wife previously bit her tongue on, slam cabinet doors, stomp across floors, sigh loudly, and cry while screaming.

Peri-Menopausal momma’s blood is constantly boiling and she grinds her teeth. She snores and tosses and turns all night, the result of being fed bad dreams and to-do lists in her sleep.

Note: The to-do lists are heavily stacked against you, reminding her of everything you said you would do and never touched.

The “Honey Do” list has been replaced with a “How My Husband Annoys Me” list, and no matter what you do, you will be constantly contributing.

SAVE YOUR MONEY.

PMS remedies will not help so don’t waste your money. Chocolate no longer satisfies the tongue, but instead the super-sweetness feeds to irritation. Unless you want to fuel the fire, I suggest also avoiding alcohol, caffeine or any of your wife’s favorite foods.

Peri-menopausal momma will likely roll her eyes at any gestures of kindness.

BE SEEN, NOT HEARD.

Peri-Menopausal momma doesn’t want to hear or see your favorite TV shows or YouTube videos. You are best seen and not heard, because anything you say will be wrong.

The same goes for your kids. It would be wise if you begin managing the feeding, clothing, disciplining, calendar managing, and chauffeuring of your children unless you want them to be scarred for life.

To spice things up a bit more, your wife’s favorite music playlist has been deleted. Peri-menopausal momma’s doesn’t want to hear your music, as, in her ears, it sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard.

LOOK, DON’T TOUCH.

Sex is immediately off the table. You would be best served making the bed every morning, and keeping your hands to yourself every night unless peri-menopausal wife invites you to touch her.

BTW, no. Just because she’s spooning you in bed naked doesn’t mean you’re invited. She’s anguishing from the side-effects of hot flashes, and your hands on her body will cause her temper to erupt in immediate volcano-sized rage.

DON’T FEED THE TIGERS.

Pre-menopausal momma is not in a perpetual cycle of the hangries or hungry grumpies. She’s thirsty for blood, so don’t take guesses at what she wants to eat. 

Beware: It’s going to be your fault when she’s hungry, but her temper skyrockets and patience bottoms out when you ask her what she wants to eat. If you dare to play the feeding game, give her two options and let her choose.

PLAYING DOCTOR IS NOT RECOMMENDED.

Don’t suggest a visit to her doctor or hormone supplements unless you would like to be immediately castrated. We’ve heard Magnolia Bark *may* help with moodiness and anxiety, but caution you to use at your own risk, and only after your own research and/or medical consultations.

GOOD LUCK.

Beware the peri-menopausal momma lurking now in the room near you.

Want your wife back?

Good luck figuring out the rules of the game and which die to toss.

Signed,

Mother Effing Nature

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